The Dangers of Being Two Different People
If you haven’t bought my book you’re in serious legal trouble. Please do so here.
If you haven’t read the past newsletters, please check them out. If you’ve subscribed already, you may have noticed they sometime go into the spam folder (which isn’t appropriate. They should go straight to the trash).
As you can see, there’s something different this week at the top of the page. Each week, in addition to writing there will be a cartoon that I’ve made. I’m not the best cartoonist but I’m also not the best writer or the best music recommender and that hasn’t stopped me yet.
Speaking of music, here’s this week’s song of the week.
Lastly, in addition to the cartoons, the music, and the story, there will be an advice list. This one requires a little bit of an explanation.
As I was preparing to fly home for two of my friend’s wedding (let’s just call them Brian and Devin) I received an email with the rest of the bridal party copied in. It was the wedding schedule along with time table. For no particular reason I sent the following with everyone still copied in. Part of the joke was that I was “accidentally sending it".
10 HELPFUL TIPS ON HOW TO STEAL THE ATTENTION FROM THE BRIDE AND GROOM
by Mark McDonough
SENSITIVE- FOR MARK’S EYES ONLY
1. Fake a medical incident: No one pays more attention to someone than in an emergency situation
2. Wrestle the bride’s mother to the floor
3. Maybe like, I don’t know, what if you tell everyone that you have to leave the wedding early to meet Grocery Store Joe from the Bachelorette for drinks
4. Juggle something really dangerous like wine bottles or knives
5. Make-out with an elderly person
6. Spread a lie that the groom is going to jail for tax evasion directly after the reception
7. Tell people you are the first pregnant man in history
8. Be the best at the macarena
9. Arrange a separate catering order and wheel it in yourself- maybe get some fucking pizza and some French fries
10. Wear culturally insensitive pants
Pretty funny. Number seven still makes me laugh. What I didn’t consider though was that I didn’t know everyone in the email chain. The majority of the people knew me and thus would know that you can experience different versions of me (usually dependent on the amount of alcohol I’ve drank). Devin, who does know me, messaged to say that her bridesmaids couldn’t wait to meet me. I immediately knew this was going to be the issue as they wouldn’t be meeting the same guy that made that list. And I could have left well-enough alone. But of course I didn’t.
The morning after I arrived back in the States, I woke up screaming at 06:30AM like the mom in Home Alone.
”My shirt!”
I had left my dress shirt back in London, which probably wouldn’t be that big of an issue except that we had been told for months to bring a white shirt with a button-less collar. It was really the only thing they asked of us and I couldn’t remember to do it. I ordered an Uber and went to the Target in South Bay, arriving pretty much exactly at 07:00 AM. The employees were still stocking the shelves as I tried on the shirt in the middle of the store, privacy be damned. It was the only one they had, so thankfully it fit and had no buttons on the collar. Don’t want to show up with a buttoned collar like a fucking hobo.
Crisis averted. But then some mix of hangover, jet lag, and adrenaline sent me into a manic state where I emailed the bridal party again with a playlist for the wedding limo. Again I was selling myself as some type of social butterfly. When we got to the wedding everyone was completely let down. They realized I’m basically just a crazy person. We didn’t drink before the ceremony and I think my body was entering actual withdrawal. I don’t know how long it actually took, but I felt like it was close to eighteen and a half hours. It also turns out that I was very noticeably suffering in front of the church. I’m up there thinking “no one will be looking at me, this isn’t about me” but then afterwards everyone was like “hey, are you okay?” You see, this was a Greek Orthodox (that might not even be right) wedding and the bridal party has to stand on stage the entire time like they are in a line about to be executed.
The reception was a blast and once I drank sixteen Bud Lights I probably came off as more of a normal person, but I think the damage was already done. I guess the lesson to be learned here is don’t send emails.
Anyway, this will be the only list with a backstory. Look forward to more advice, cartoons, music, etc. next week. Please share and subscribe.