We’re delighted to get a sneak-peek at Sally Rooney’s latest masterpiece, New Classmates. You can find it online and in book-stores August 22nd. Enjoy.
Jessica Robertson stood at the front of the seminar room at Sally University stroking her left eye brow. She read somewhere that people involuntarily touch their face when they’re trying to calm themselves down. The more she tried to stop herself, the more she stroked it.
Good morning everyone, this is your new classmate, Jessica. Jessica is originally from the States. Isn’t that right? said the professor.
Um, yes said Jessica.
Jesus said the woman closest to her.
I’ll introduce you to the girls first. They’re all pregnant but not visibly so and they’re all brunettes and Irish and vaguely communist and also all of them are published authors. This is Niamh, Nessa, Norah, Noreen, Nia, Neve, and Neala.
Yeah, I’m Neala, and that fella in the back there is Duke.
Yeah, I’m Duke Flanagan. 22 years old- the hottest age. I’m a bisexual sky-dive instructor. I ride an environmentally-safe motorcycle that runs on nothing but the excess grease they throw away at Supermac’s.
He’s not lying about being bisexual. We made him prove it.
Yeah I proved it alright I’d say. I’ve made love to one man and one woman from every country in the world.
Like Noah’s Arc he is.
Jessica was at a loss for words. The walls of the classroom closed in on her. It was all so overwhelming.
Okay, settle down now girls and Duke. Jessica why don’t you tell us a little about yourself said the professor.
Well I’m American, like you said, I’m originally from Wyoming…
Oh, Jesus, Wyoming said Neala.
Neala, stop that now. Let Jessica speak.
Yes, Wyoming. And I guess this is a bit awkward but I’m not a brunette or pregnant communist or a bisexual sky-dive instructor or a published author… but I hope to one day be. A published author I mean.
Listen, it’s not a pre-requisite to be any of those things. Just relax. Come here now though, listen. Why don’t you tell us all why you have an electoral college?
Like, you mean for voting?
What other electoral college would I mean?
Uh, I don’t know really. I don’t make those decisions….
And what’s the lad with the hair up to?
Donald Trump?
No. The other one.
Don King?
No, come on now, the other one. Phil Spector that’s his name. Now why did he kill the girl there?
I have no idea. I’m actually not sure what’s going on at all. Is this how all college courses in Ireland are?
Just the ones at Sally University. Forget all that. We’ll move on. We’re all going on a group trip to Croatia tomorrow. Would ye like to come and share a bed with one of us?
I don’t know. I’ve only just met you….
You can stay with Duke if it makes you more comfortable said Duke.
Tell us now, Jessica, where’s your iconic piece of jewellery?
My what?
Each of us has an iconic piece of jewellery. I’ll go around the classroom again. Let’s see. Bracelet, anklet, ring, toe ring, necklace, earring, tongue ring, nose ring, and lip ring said the professor pointing at her mouth. So, what will yours be?
I hadn’t thought about it. Hmmm. Well, I have to wear these Breathe Right Nasal Strips on my nose sometimes…
Are you saying your iconic piece of jewellery is going to be a feckin’ Breathe Right Nasal Strip? What the feck is wrong with ye?
Okay. I don’t think this is for me. I’m going to see if I can transfer back to UW for the rest of the semester.
You can still come on the trip and stay in Duke’s bed if you’d like said Duke.
End of Excerpt.
(Sally Rooney is the best-selling author of the books Conversations with Friends, Normal People, and Beautiful World, Where Are You)
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𝔸𝕣𝕥𝕤 𝕒𝕟𝕕 𝔼𝕟𝕥𝕖𝕣𝕥𝕒𝕚𝕟𝕞𝕖𝕟𝕥: ℂ𝕠𝕦𝕟𝕥𝕣𝕪 𝕊𝕥𝕒𝕣'𝕤 𝔸𝕔𝕔𝕚𝕕𝕖𝕟𝕥 𝕂𝕚𝕝𝕝𝕤 𝔻𝕠𝕫𝕖𝕟𝕤
by Mark’s Handyman Keith
Nashville star Honker Ryland, who recently released his album Sunset Skydive, killed a bus full of people yesterday morning. Early reports suggest he was trying to teach his horse, Honker Jr., to drive his Ford F150. Both Honkers came out unscathed, but thirty-three people on the bus they crashed into were incinerated on impact. The passengers were said to be on their way to see Ryland perform in Jackson, MS at the time of the accident. We’ll have more on this as the story develops.
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𝕋𝕙𝕚𝕤 𝕎𝕖𝕖𝕜 𝕀𝕟 𝔽𝕒𝕤𝕙𝕚𝕠𝕟: ℝ𝕪𝕝𝕒𝕟𝕕 𝔻𝕖𝕓𝕦𝕥𝕤 𝕋𝕙𝕖 𝔻𝕠𝕦𝕓𝕝𝕖 ℂ𝕠𝕨𝕓𝕠𝕪 ℍ𝕒𝕥
by Mark’s Handyman Keith’s Girlfriend Sheryl
Finally some good news! Earlier this week Nashville star Honker Ryland debuted the double cowboy hat. If you’re wondering what that looks like, just picture a cowboy hat on top of another cowboy hat. It’s going to revolutionize fashion in the American south and the trickledown effect is likely to alter trends globally. This is what Ryland will be forever known for.
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𝕃𝕖𝕥𝕥𝕖𝕣𝕤 𝕥𝕠 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝔼𝕕𝕚𝕥𝕠𝕣:
Dear Mark,
There’s a one-story house in which everything is yellow. Yellow walls, yellow doors, yellow furniture. What color are the stairs?
Radmila (age 9), Milwaukee, WI
Reply from the Editor: There aren’t any. It’s a one-story house. If you contact me with this crap again I’m calling the police.
Hello,
Why do you keep making this?
-Ricky, Detroit, MI
Reply from the Editor: I don’t know.
Hei,
Meillä on suomalainen sanonta "heikko mies tekee susille paremman lyönnin." Haluaisin suden syövän sinut.
-Jouko, Helsinki, Finland
Reply from the Editor: Jeesus Kristus.
So it goes. That’s all we have this week folks. Please subscribe at the top of the page if you haven’t already.
(Mark McDonough is a staff writer for Portable Restroom Operator Magazine and The Washington Post)