My Interview with Twitter Owner Elon Musk
Elon Musk (pictured above) recently agreed to sit down for an interview with me to talk about his historic purchase of Twitter.com. We met at Shannon Tavern in South Boston, Massachusetts (his suggestion).
When I entered Shannon’s, he was already prepared and sitting at the counter in an otherwise empty establishment. I joined him and ordered a Bud Light. He didn’t have anything to drink, but a personal assistant (that looked alarmingly like former Secretary of Agriculture Tom Vilsack) fed him lemon meringue pie out of a little plastic bag. The cat that was walking up and down the counter drank some of my Bud Light when I had my attention focused elsewhere. The bartender explained the cat was just nursing a hangover and trying to ease off a headache by having a few sips. No biggie. Anyways. We began the interview.
*In the interest of full disclosure, Elon only agreed to do the interview under the agreement that I wouldn’t ask questions about his robot son.*
MM: So, what can you tell me about your robot son?
EM: This interview is over.
MM: I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Can we start again? What would you like to talk about?
EM: Can I show you a YouTube video?
At this point Elon pulled out his phone and showed me a video marked “Eurotrip Full Movie Free 3/12” on YouTube. I had seen the movie once before, but had trouble remembering the exact details. It didn’t help that he was showing the third video in a twelve video playlist. The guy that uploaded them probably did it this way to avoid copyright claims, but it left me wondering why Elon might not just buy a normal copy of the film. After the eleven minute video, we continued.
MM: Thank you for showing me that. So, you bought Twitter. I hope you got a receipt lol.
EM: This interview is over.
MM: No, no. Please don’t go. Let’s start again. Is your personal assistant former Secretary of Agriculture Tom Vilsack?
MM: It seems like you own everything. Is there anything that you want that you don’t have yet?
EM: I’d like to maybe throw a big party and tell everyone we’re playing seven minutes in heaven, but when it’s Zuckerberg’s turn and he thinks he’s getting into a closet to make-out with a hot chick, there’s like, maybe a big toy spider in there instead. Either that or push him into a hole he can never escape from.
MM: And these are things you can purchase?
MM: Are you working on any new inventions?
EM: We’re developing something for when you need to hang your coat on the back of, let’s say, a door.
MM: So, a coat hook?
EM: Yeah, these are going to be robot coat hooks though.
MM: That makes sense. Anything else?
EM: Maybe like, Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots but they’re human sized like in the movie Real Steel. LMAO. 🤣
MM: How did you just make an emoji appear in real life?
MM: What would you say to the critics of self-driving cars?
EM: I’ll give you ten dollars to skip this question.
MM: Who are some of your idols? People that you looked up to when you were younger, or people you still look up to.
EM: I’d have to say some of my major influences are Hans Frank, Wilhelm Frick, Julius Streicher, Alfred Rosenberg, Ernst Kaltenbrunner, Joachim von Ribbentrop, Fritz Sauckel, Alfred Jodl, Wilhelm Keitel, and Arthur Seyss-Inquart.
MM: I’m unfamiliar. I’ll have to Google them later. Vilsack is giving me the wrap up signal here, is there anything else you’d like to say? 36 people read this newsletter.
EM: It was like a video where a banana danced. Peter Griffin did a parody on Family Guy. Something to do with sandwiches. I’m absolutely positive it was performed by the Buckwheat Boyz….
MM: I’m sorry I think I missed something here. Are we talking about Peanut Butter Jelly Time?
EM: Yes, lol. So epic. Would you like a seat on Twitter’s board of directors?
MM: What would that entail?
EM: Crushing dissidents with a force so powerful that it ruins their families for generations. In my world we use mallets to crush ants. You will be in charge of punishments, and if you show any leniency to your victims whatsoever, you will also be punished.
MM: I’m in.
Mark McDonough is a staff writer for Portable Restroom Operator Magazine and The Washington Post. You can buy his latest novel here.