My interview with Queen Elizabeth and ventriloquist Paul Zerdin
Things got a little crazy earlier today when Queen Elizabeth agreed to sit down with me for an interview. I didn’t realize until I showed up to meet her that she’d be accompanied by famed ventriloquist Paul Zerdin. Lucky me. I got to introduce myself to two celebrities at once! We met at the Costa Coffee in Raynes Park. Many are concerned because yesterday the Queen missed the opening of Parliament for the first time in 59 years. I’m hoping this Q and A puts any fears to rest.
MM: So, your Majesty. Where do I begin? I see you’ve ordered tea. Would that make it royaltea?
QE: I’ve killed Irish a lot tougher than you.
MM: I’m sorry. Give me a second chance. Hmmm. Paul I guess this question is directed at you. How long have you been friends with the Queen?
PZ: Since about March of 2020.
MM: And do you follow her everywhere?
PZ: Only to speaking engagements.
MM: Queen, do you like having him around? You must I mean. You’re sitting awfully close together.
QE: Yeah, he ain’t so bad but he’s clearly been drinking today.
PZ: No I haven’t.
QE: Then why are you talking to a puppet?
MM: I’m sorry I think I missed something. Is this some sort of routine?
QE:
PZ:
MM: Your Majesty, there has been some chatter online as to why you missed the opening of Parliament yesterday. Is there anything you want to clarify for anyone who may still be curious?
QE: Oh my. I don’t know why everyone is making such a fuss. I had stayed up the night before to watch the Memphis Grizzlies game and had a few too many. Get over it.
MM: I see. Can you tell us one of your most cherished memories of being Queen?
QE: In the late 1990s the Italians invented something called pizza. They let me try it first. 1999 I believe it was. Lovely people, the Italians. They tan a bit too easily for my liking, but you can only control so much. Either that or the time I was on Britain’s Got Talent.
MM: But you weren’t on Britain’s Got Talent. Paul was.
QE: Yes. That’s why the words came out of Paul’s mouth and not mine.
MM: Queen, could you do me a favor and say “Bobby Bibby bought berries because big boys made him?”
QE: No
MM: How’s the family?
QE: You know, I’ve been spending thousands of pounds on whoopie cushions, hand buzzers, rubber spiders… we’ve got a chap dressed up like Frederick Krueger…. Dreadful that’s what the tax dollars are going to but it simply must be done…..
MM: I’m sorry, what is all of that for?
QE: We’ve got to prank Markle constantly. It’s the only way she’ll get the hint. I tried hiding her passport but she’d always find it. You see, I can really only reach so many places.
MM: You might agree that it’s been a challenging few years for the Royal Family. You’ve had to deal with a global pandemic, the loss of your husband, your grandchild separating himself from the family as you’ve just alluded to, and a son revealing that he has a medical condition where he physically can’t sweat. How have you dealt with all of that?
QE: You know, they try and give me these cod liver oil supplements. 1000mg. The bloody things are about the size of a human head. I can’t swallow them! So, I say, forget the vitamins! What I do is, I send one of the Philip clones down to the Sainsbury’s and have him get me a four-pack of Fosters pint cans. Three pound 85. The price is actually going down. They used to be four pounds. And meanwhile people are moaning about the “cost of living”. That’s fifteen p saved every time you shop. But, to answer your question, when I find myself becoming stressed, I just neck a few Fosters. They get me pissed.
MM: Did you say “one of the Philip clones”?
QE: No.
MM: I’m not sure if you’ve seen any of Netflix’s The Crown, I can see where it would be a bit awkward to watch, but there’s an episode that’s centered around you having a favorite child. Do you actually have a favorite child?
QE: I can tell you’re saying favorite without the “u”.
MM: Apologies. Do you actually have a favuoururite?
QE: Ponyboy. Or maybe Sodapop. I don’t know anymore. Who’s the gent with the ears?
MM: Paul, what would you say to people who might suggest your proximity to the Queen is a little bizarre?
PZ: I’d say they’re spot on.
QE: You dummy!
PZ: I’m no dummy! You’re the dummy! When I was in school I passed every exam!
QE: Well, a lot of good that did ya’. Now you’re a grown man that plays with dolls.
MM: Okay off the record the actual Queen is dead right?
PZ: Yeah.
Mark McDonough is a staff writer for Portable Restroom Operator Magazine and The Washington Post. Please subscribe to his newsletter at the top of this page.