This expertly crafted Celtics picture is my own. I modelled it off of the following one from ClutchPoints which we will also use for our purposes today.
In a game of 5 on 5 basketball (that is very likely to happen in the near future) which squad wins:
A) Team Tatum: Seal, Cena, Mintz-Plasse, Dushku, and Wahlberg
OR
B) Team Curry: Alba, Lucas, Hudson, Santana, and Pacquiao
Let’s break it down match-up by match up.
Seal vs Jessica Alba
Right off the bat this is a bad look for the Celtics. Seal is British which means he should be nowhere near a basketball court. Guy was raised in Westminster. It should be illegal for him to enter the arena. This is a horrifying liability for Team Tatum, one that will be hard to deal with. Alba exploits this mismatch all day long. Advantage: Team Curry
John Cena(c) vs George Lucas(c)
A rivalry unlike any other. No one can take away what John Cena has accomplished. He’s a 16 World Champion in WWE. He’s a certified platinum recording artist. He’s starred in movies like Scooby-Doo! WrestleMania Mystery and The Flintstones & WWE: Stone Age SmackDown! But none of that matters when he comes face to face with George Lucas on the hardwood. Lucas is complete monster on the boards. 110% power. He’ll set a brick-wall of a screen on the high post and roll to the basket like a freight train. They say it’s like someone put a Ferrari engine in a tank. And he does all of this in a pair of tight blue jeans. Cena, has muscles, sure. But they’re aesthetic. They’re for show. Each and every inch of George Lucas is built for hard work. John will have his work cut out for him. Advantage: Tie
Christopher Mintz-Plasse vs Kate Hudson
On paper, you might think this would be a dream match-up for Hudson, but you’d be wrong. What Mintz-Plasse lacks in athletic ability, basketball IQ, finesse, and coordination, he more than makes up for with dirty play. He’ll give you a thumb to the eyes, an elbow to the gut…hell, he’ll outright slap the shit out of you. Mintz-Plasse is a scumbag. Hudson is the more skilled baller, but CMP knows how to throw her off her game.
Advantage: Team Tatum
Eliza Dushku vs Carlos Santana
Let’s face it folks. Santana isn’t what he used to be. Carlos turns 75 in July and you can only fight against Father Time for so long. His ankles are gone. His knees an afterthought. It will take tremendous effort for him to stay in front of the much younger Dushku and it will be outright impossible for him to be able to switch effectively on screens. The guy performed at the original Woodstock in 1969, he should be in bed. Dushku clears.
Advantage: Team Tatum
Brandon Wahlberg vs Manny Pacquiao
Pacquiao is the only eight-division world champion in the history of boxing, but that actually hurts his cause on the basketball court. Have you ever seen someone that started in a combat sport try and hoop? Do you remember in gym class when the kids that played hockey used to try and participate in pick-up? They’d be hurling the ball off the side of the backboard. Well, prize fighters are even worse. You hand them a ball and they start gnawing on it like it’s a chew toy. Meanwhile Wahlberg put in over 10,000 hours of ball at the Dorchester Y. This one’s not close.
Advantage: Team Tatum
For those keeping score at home, that’s a 3-1-1 match-up advantage for Team Tatum. Lucas will leave it all on the court, but it’s clear that the Celebrity Celtics Fans are taking this one.
So it goes. That’s all we have this week folks. Please subscribe at the top of the page if you haven’t already.
(Mark McDonough is a staff writer for Portable Restroom Operator Magazine and The Washington Post)